I have been meaning to post this down a long time ago, but got too distracted. I haven’t even been posting anything lately. That shows just how occupied I am.
When I was about ten years old or younger, I have had few friends who asked me now and then about religion. Mine particularly.
“Stella, are you a Christian or Buddhist?”
Since I have an English name, many just assumed that I am a Christ follower. So, I told them that I actually am a Buddhist. Then they question me,
“Do you pray? If you are a Buddhist, then why do you not have the small temple in your house?”
Gosh. Kids just ask the hardest questions, I tell you. I was dumb-founded when I found out that I don’t have the little temple in my house. I won’t even notice if they hadn’t ask. Lols. Home I went and when mum and dad was not occupied, I asked them the same thing. I said,
“Daddie, why do we not pray like everybody else? We don’t have the small temple at home too. You notice that also?”
I guess dad wasn’t as surprised as I was. He told me that it is of no use if we pray and the next second we do crimes. He said that many people out there pray but do not really follow what is taught. He told me to have faith and do not do bad things, then it doesn’t matter if we pray or not. The next day of school and each time anyone ask if I pray, I told them the same thing. Their dismay and the faces they make and thought I didn’t see, I will not forget for the rest of my days.
Truth be telling, I quite envy those who strongly believe in their religion. I have few friends that stood strong when I question them hard. I got frustrated when they are so sure and persistent with their beliefs.
In times of desperation, I find myself turning to God for help and guidance. Its pathetic and I know it. My envy; they have something to hold on to in times of need and happiness. Me, I only have myself alone. They, they have goals in life and their goals are for the better good of majority. Me, my goals in life circles around me.
I have always wanted to be more religious. More knowledgeable in the religion field. I have no clue whatsoever of any religion. Its shameful. I even find me calling myself an Atheist. I have not gotten the chance to embrace religion.
I’ve live life for 18 years an empty person.
Another thing that have hinder me from religion is fear. Fear of being a fanatic. I’ve seen a lot of people being too close to religion. Some become fanatics. Every sentence in every word, God is related. To me, what they are saying is that everything that happen has been planned and that we do not have to do anything. Everything that happens in life, they say its God’s will. There is never man’s act that made something possible, for those some.
I fear I will become one of the somes. I fear I no longer believe that man can achieve something. I fear I no longer believe the power of man. I do not want to just sit and wait for what God has planned for me. I want to believe that I can determine my future. I want to determine my path.
And thus, I continue living empty as another year goes by me.