Kingsley said to me,
Your life begins when you live for something.
This got me thinking… What am I living for? A couple of years ago, I believe that we have our destiny planned by God? Or something more superior than us humans. Still, I believe that we can determine our future, based on our decisions in life, based on the path we take.
And now, at age 19 (nearing 19 actually), I don’t know if I am as sure as I was back then. To be honest, I’m living my life by waiting for tomorrow to come. Dealing each day as it comes by. Purposes of life? I have no clue anymore.
Quoting from Socrates if I may (or is it Aristotle?),
The ultimate purpose of life is to achieve HAPPINESS.
Happiness. This one word that makes all the differences in the world. One word yet it holds so much meaning.
I hope that my heart believes the future has stored happiness for me. But my mind tells me otherwise.
Sometimes I feel so tired of living. Happiness sucked out of me. At some point of my life, I was a suicidal case. I nearly killed myself. Life was nothing but an empty Tupperware. Luckily, I survived. Not knowing and not having a goal to live life with is … indescribable.
I’m surviving still.
I’m scared and fill with fears. I fear not knowing of what may happen to my life in the future. Its times like this that I hope Doraemon is with me, with Pintu Sesuka Hati. I fear that my life won’t turn out the way I planned out. Having a steady, secured and highly paid job that I love, having a family that’s loving and happy. Having the American Dream, like what they say. I’m scared that some of my decisions will cost me dearly. Scared that I will run out of track. Scared and fears, filling up most of me.
I don’t like and hate not knowing. I want answers and I want them now! I’m curious and furious. I don’t like not knowing. It makes me grumpy and feels weak.
A someone once told me, not to worry and that I will turn out fine. Still, I’m not satisfied and it ain’t easy satisfying me. I need to know for sure, thus I’m working hard. Regardless of what my point of life is right now, I’m working hard. Just in case. Like the Malay proverb,
Sediakan paying sebelum hujan
And getting the umbrella ready is what I’m doing, I fear I will regret that I don’t turn out the way I want to and blame this time I’m in now for not working hard enough. I feel more secured knowing that I don’t have to regret later on if I do become a beggar in future. As least, I worked hard.