Results is Dissapointing

Semester results are out. Out of 4 subjects, I got B, B, B and C+.

Dad is going to strangle me to death.

No. Even worse. He is going to use that voice of him. That voice that says “You dissapointed me“. That, is a hundred times worse than strangling me to death. That voice. There is nothing more scary than him doing that. SHITTT! Usually when he gets my results, I’d avoid talking about anything that’s exciting for at least 3 weeks. Everytime I tell him something, he’d twist it all around and give me a scolding with that voice. Issh! I’d have to eat my own words.

This time with this C+ I better wait at least 2 months. He don’t know my results yet, the mail hasn’t arrive. For the time being, I’d better stay low. The thing that I am so very frustrated with is that, he doesn’t know how hard I work.

He doesn’t listen. He won’t take any explanation *all is excuses to him* He just look at the end results.

I’d really work hard. I’d given my all. I’ve studied until there is nothing to study. No, I’m not even exaggeratting one bit. This time around I really did my best. I spent few hundred hours studying until late at night, revised over and over.

I am so frustrated. I can’t sleep, can’t sit, can’t eat. There is nothing else I can think of except of BBBC+BBBC+BBBC+BBBC+




I hate dissapointing dad.






I hate dissapointing me more.


Hope, Plans and Setting Things Right

Looking back to the things I’ve done when I was younger, I’d laugh my head off. I was so so innocent back then. And somehow now that that phase of my life is over, I wanted to relieve it once again. But I know for certain that during that phase, I really hated my life. It seemed so hard and sometimes, I feel like I had nobody I can turn to. Hardest thing in life is to have nobody. Anyway, just looking back now, all the uncertainties I felt, I’ve forgotten. Only the good memories remain in mind.

Isn’t it strange?

At the time when you feel like you’ve hit dead end and when all hope seem lost, you are most certain that this is the moment that you will remember for all time. 100%. Yet, when you move into a new phase of life, only the good memories remain in mind. I can’t say that the same goes for other people, but for me it works that way.

Where do we go from here?
This isn’t where we intended to be
Certainties disappear

You must love me
You must love me

A song from Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, somehow its in my mind right now.

I must remind myself from time to time. No matter how depressing things seems, there is hope. Light at the end of the tunnel.

Moving on, I seem to have lost my aim in life. Plans didn’t go as planned and aims in life changes according to the detours. But right now, at this exact moment, I have lost my way. I was bancuh-ing Milo downstairs alone and that was when it hit me. What is my goal in life? What am I doing now? Is this what I wanted? Am I going the right direction?

I like plans, I like planning, I like going to my plans, I don’t like going away from plans. I am a person of plans. And right now, I don’t have a single damn plan. I’m just going with the flow, taking in whatever is given to me. It just don’t feel right anymore.

Remember during primary school when teachers would give you this brown-coloured-form where you have to fill in your ambitions? The form that has evaluation like…

Concentration in class: Check
Interaction in class: Check
Responsibility: Check

Yup, that form. I hate that form. How the heck does a 10 year old kid know what she wants to do for the rest of her life?

Well, the bottom line is along the way I’ve lost my aim in life. And right now, I got to get my priorities right again, plan a new plan and follow the plan. Right. Seems easy enough.