My mind wandered aimlessly, repeating gibberish over and over again. Tossing and turning. This is the sign of another sleepless night. Two days in a row. “If you can’t beat em, join em”. Finally had enough of it, I wake up. Time: 0500.
In a week, I’ll turn 21. At times, most of the time, I truly thought that I am still 19. I feel the burden on my shoulder. At the age of 20, what have I accomplished so far? I feel burdened that I have done nothing. I have wasted a lot of time.
With every breath in, the hollow emptiness inside of me grew. At that very moment, I felt more alone than ever. I feel so empty. “What am I doing?”, said the voice within. I tried to recall past events. Nothing came to mind. These days, nothing is worth remembering.
I see people all around me. Each person I asked, they seemed to know what is their next step. They have goals. They have dreams. They have aims. And they know how to get there. I envy them. It is so difficult living a life aimlessly.
“You have been told what to do all your life. And that is why, when people stop telling you what to do, you become so aimless”.
This dark cloud have hindered my sight for so long. With each day, the future is darker.
Everyone thinks that they are destined to do something great. One day they wake up and find that they are the not. Today, this is it. This is my ‘one day’.
Meredith Grey was pushed into the sea. She swam for help. Suddenly she thought, “What is the point?”. And then she let go. She stopped swimming.
I could not grasp how and why she was feeling like that. Now I know why.
I start to question myself. Where is the Stella that dreams to be a doctor and save lives? Where is that person who wants to stand in front of the world and shock them with her ideas? Where is that girl who wants to find cure for cancer?
With time, innocence is lost, dreams fades, hope is dashed. You remind yourself to be more realistic. You stop dreaming because dreams never gets you anywhere.
Where do I see myself in 20 years’ time? In 20 years, I will be the obese girl that is clinging to her chocolates and sweets, no more clueless about what greatness she is destined to be. Because she finally understands that she was not meant for it in the first place. She needs her sweets to replace the hollow bitterness inside. But no matter how much sugar she takes in, the hole will never heal.
I was named Stella by my parents. Stella means star. Stars are the twinkling light at night. Many wish upon a star. Ironically, this star is wishing someone could save her.
And yes, that is what I think about at 5am. It is the most thinking I’ve done in a very long time.