Emptiness fills me. I feel no pleasure, sadness or happiness. I don’t feel miserable, I don’t feel pain, I don’t feel joy, I don’t feel free. Just emptiness.


Bad Day

This is just what I needed.

A brick fell on top of the roof of my car, parked nicely in a parking spot. And I thought to myself earlier that day, “Feewit, side parking in just one try. Nicely done!”

It looks much worse in reality.

Sigh X100

Panic Attack

Had a four hours break after lab and I decided it’s better to go home, get a nap and take lunch before going back in.

I don’t like eating alone. But I am slowly getting used to it. The stares and awkwardness of eating alone is now tolerable.

What’s worse than eating alone?

Eating with a crazy person. Not crazy like, behaving stupidly weirdly crazy. But crazy as in crazy like an insane person. I didn’t know at first that the guy is crazy. So, I automatically let him share the table.

At first, I thought to myself, “Wow, he smells bad. Must be sweating due to work“. Then the guy started laughing. He was halfway through his chicken rice. Laughing laughing laughing with rice stuffed inside his mouth. Laughing laughing til the rice all catapulted in front of my bowl of noodle.

I lost my appetite.

He then started mumbling like he is talking to someone. And started waving his hands here and there excitedly.

And then it hit me. “Oh shit! He is crazy! OMG, no wonder he smells so bad!”.

I so so so so wanted to move to another table. But the place is packed. I didn’t dare look up, I didn’t dare look at him. I was scared that when he sees my disgusted + scared expression, it will provoke him.

From then on, there were many silly thoughts running through my mind. Orang gila has super power strength. What if he suddenly attack me? Will he sit closer? OMG OMG OMG OMG. What if he talks to me, what do I do? Oh no, he’s still laughing. What if he comes and molest me? How do I tell people that I’ve been molested? What if I got raped? Oh no, how how how? If I go now will he stand up and follow me? Will he sit in my car too? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What to do?

Needless to say, my mind wandered far far away.

Enough is enough! I’m not going to sit here, eat my noodles and pretend like its nothing. I have to eat up all my fishball first before I go. Sip, Stella sip. Sip faster, don’t care about the brain freeze. Ok, drink’s finish. Take car keys and gogogogo. Don’t be too obvious.

I was relieved when I got the car safely, his smell still lingering. Glad that he didn’t followed me like I thought he would. Jeez, I regret so much going back home.

It was a scary experience. Phew, what a day!

Apek Coli

Wanted to blog about spending the weekend working for parents and listening to Raya songs on repeat, x30 a day but then I read this status update on Facebook,

 Adeline Sia  feels that there are a lot of psycho / orang gila in Raub. The most famous = apek coli / guy who wears bra and cycle round town

Ahh… The famous Apek Coli! The legendary Apek Coli! Everyone in town knows him. Tua muda kaya miskin semua pun kenal apek coli.

He is a tanned, skinny, bald old man who goes about on his antique bicycle. He goes around town wearing only a khaki bermuda shorts and of course… a bra. There were many theories as to where he got his bra supply. Some says that he stole it from his neighbours’ ampaian baju. Some says that he bought it himself. Whatever it is, however he got it still remains a puzzle!

A friend told me that he is actually very well to do and was an engineer. He fell madly in love with a girl who eventually broke his heart. Couldn’t stand the heartache, he went mad. Classic love story. Ahah…

When I walk past him in town, I would never be able to not stare at him. I am afraid but still, I could not stop looking at him. I wonder where he went. It has been years since I last saw him. Word was that he is now tucked away in a mental hospital.

Apek Coli was the gossip topic among us little kids. I wonder what’s the “in” thing now with Esther‘s generation.

writing crap just because i can. skipskipskip!

1. Seriously, I am clueless on what my first step is and what is it that I am supposed to do first. Didn’t bothered me too much. I just figured that when the time comes to start the project, I will eventually know. Bleh! I always get into trouble because of this. I don’t plan ahead. I know its my weakness but I just do not plan ahead. Why do I behave like this? I don’t like it but I can’t change it.


2. I am very lazy to write my thesis.


3. I hate that I don’t know how to ask questions. I get jealous and curious when people have so many questions to ask. “Remember kids, there are not stupid questions”. And I mumble silently, “Only stupid people who ask them” and I once again succeed in making myself laugh.

I think some people have many questions to ask is because… they really do study, and they really do think out of the box? I don’t think out of the box and don’t study unless it is to pass tests. Because… *refer to number 1* Why I don’t plan ahead? *Refer number 2*

Angel in Disguise

Last Sunday at Ah Tok‘s place, I saw something that changed my perspective.

This aunty came with her family, in laws and etc for the Merdeka celebration. Being a public holiday, Ah Tok is swamped. Me and the family were there for our chicken chop dinner. Halfway eating, the aunty stop chatting, got up from her seat with her daughter and went to the next table. Both of them started to clean up the table left by the last family. Picking up the food that spilled out, wiped the table and collected all the utensils, plates and glasses and put then in the kitchen.

My first thought was that maybe more family members are coming.

But after cleaning the table, both of them sat back at their seats and continued chatting. I told dad about them, I was…. I’m surprised!

Dad said that she is a very very very kind-hearted person and helps other a lot. Emphasis on the very, please.


And I thought that people like that only exist in movies. I knew that aunty since small. Mum buys veggie from her. I never gave much thought about her.

Now, I am reminded by her to be a nicer person.