Haven’t Sink In

I’ve seen the scene countless of times before in movies and dramas. I never understood and felt what they felt, I brushed it aside, saying that it was all part of acting.

To be frank, I have thought about it several times, mostly dreading that it would involve either my parents, siblings or my grandpa.

And now I am thrown into my own nightmare.

The phone call from mum left me speechless. Utterly speechless and numb. The thought never even occurred to me. That my uncle would pass away.

I am now in that scene you watch in movies and dramas. Funeral scene. It involves a lot of kow tows and kneeling. All the while, I feel numb.

I was told to be strong for my mum. And I am. I’m still trying to hold it back. I don’t care if they perceive me as cold hearted. I am here now, for the elderlies. I can grieve later, alone. When all the procedures have been completed.

I’m worried for my aunt and my cousins. Especially the younger ones. It’s sad to see that my cousin is telling me that his dad is in heaven now, having his lunch. Maybe it is s good thing too that he’s still too young to understand what had happened and what will come.

He’ll be cremated tomorrow. He is was only 55 years old.

Life is truly unpredictable.

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Future Husband?

If Jamie Oliver was my husband, I am certain I will lose weight in no time.

The way he cooks, with his sloppiness and fingers poking here and there is enough to make me lose my appetite.

No doubt he can cook fabulous meals in under 30 minutes, but what’s with the ingredients? Basil parsley Marguerite rhubarb portobello mushrooms peas pear blue whatchamacallit?!

Imagine I have to clean up afterwards? I rather eat out 🙂

Jamie Oliver? Naaah! Cross him out.

Grey’s Anatomy 7

“It always feels like there is just one person in this world to love, and then you find somebody else, and it just seems crazy that you were worried in the first place”
-Lexis from Grey’s Anatomy.

I hope the author’s right.

Someone

What I need more than anything else right now is to breakdown and cry.

I don’t want to fake a smile or lie and say that I am ok. I don’t want to pretend I can handle it. I don’t want to worry about people worrying about me.

I just want to cry.

I want someone to give me a big hug and let me cry my heart out. I don’t want advise. Just someone to sit beside me while I cry.

Terkenangkan Mu

Kak,

Tak kira Kak di mana sekarang, Stella harap dan berdoa agar Kak dan keluarga sihat selalu. Stella berdoa agar mak dan adik beradik Kak sihat walafiat sentiasa dan diberkati oleh Tuhan. Sudah lebih kurang lima belas tahun Stella tak jumpa Kak.

Bagaimana rasanya rupa Kak sekarang? Adakah masih sama seperti dalam ingatan Stella? Ataupun Kak sudah kelihatan tua?

Sering kali tertanya dalam hati, adakah Stella dan Rebecca masih dalam hati Kak lagi? Kerana Stella ingat lagi akan kehadiran Kak dalam hidup Stella ini. Kadang kala Stella terasa takut teramat. Takut yang satu hari nanti Stella akan terlupa akan kehadiran Kak.

Kali terakhir kita berhubung masih jelas dalam ingatan Stella. Sudah terpahat dan tidak akan dilupakan walaupun masa itu Stella masih lagi kecil. Berulang kali Stella memainkan perbualan terakhir kita. Terasa begitu menyesal kerana Kak tidak diberitahu bahawa Stella amat menyayangi Kak. Maafkan Stella, masih kecil lagi masa itu dan tidak mengerti lagi makna perpisahan.

Agaknya bagaimana keadaan hidup Kak sekarang? Adakah Kak sudah berkahwin? Sudahkah Kak dikurniakan cahaya mata? Jika ya, berapa umurnya anak Kak itu? Dan Stella harap anak Kak tahu betapa bertuahnya dia mempunyai seorang ibu yang garang tetapi penyayang, tegas tetapi pemaaf dan penyabar. Begitulah Kak dalam ingatan Stella.

Jikalau diizinkan, Stella ingin kembali ke waktu ketika Kak masih lagi tinggal bersama Stella. Tetapi, impian tetap impian. Masa yang berlalu tidak akan kembali.

Ada satu perkara ingin Stella luahkan setelah lama disimpan di dalam hati. Tak lama selepas Kak pergi, meninggalkan kami yang masih kecil, Stella selalu berharap agar Kak akan kembali. Bermimpi yang Kak akan muncul di hadapan rumah dan berkata bahawa Kak tidak akan balik ke sana lagi. Itu merupakan suatu lawak jenaka. Mimpi seorang budak. Mimpi tetaplah mimpi.

Kak,

Stella dan Rebecca sudah besar. Rebecca masih belajar, moga moga dapat tamat pengajian dalam setahun dua lagi. Stella sudahpun genap setahin bekerja. Mummy dan Daddy masih lagi ingat akan Kak dan kami juga akan tertawa bila mengimbas kembali kenangan bersama Kak. Oh ya, Stella dan Rebecca ada seorang lagi adik, namanya Esther. Sudah berumur sembilan sekarang. Banyak yang telah berlaku semenjak Kak pergi.

Bila Kak akan kembali? Sehingga kini Stella masih lagi berharap akan nampak Kak muncul di depan pintu rumah kita. Harapan itu masih ada. Kehadiran Kak sentiasa dialu alukan.

“Dalam tak sedar ku kebasahan”
-Gerimis Mengundang oleh Slam

Uncertainty

Treading on thin ice. I’ve been down this road before. It didn’t have a happy ending the last time I chose this way.

Try as I might, I am still interested in this uncharted road. I do not wish to disappoint anybody but the urge is controlling me instead of the other way around.

I can’t help myself

Took for granted

I didn’t know that I missed my friends so darn much. Life has been about work work and work that I’ve ignored them all. Thinking that they will still be there when work is done.

So much to catch up. Even a four hours’ get-together is not enough to compensate time lost.

I’ve forgotten that we cannot ignore the people surrounding us, thinking that there’s still tomorrow. What if tomorrow never comes, right?

It was great to see them. Last I saw them was 2-3 months ago. Too long too long.

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Friends, I’ve known you my whole life but never had the guts to say that, “I’m damn thankful to know you guys and I ❤ you all"

I'm a coward. Forgive me.