Incompetent

I never would have thought that an innocent question would made me feel so insecure about myself. I thought I was at the top of the game, I was so very wrong. I’m left with insecurities and doubts about how truly good I am in what I do daily.

Time and time again, I have been proven to be not trustworthy. I only have myself to blame. Even I don’t trust myself. As nonchalant and care-free I make myself to be, there are riddles waiting to be solved. I act as do I don’t give a damn but really, I do. So much that it eats me up when I can’t make the problems go. I act as if everything that goes wrong I don’t give a damn, but I do. And so, I cope. By putting on my pokerface.

Being the irresponsible person that I am, I’ve started to think of ways to run away. What holds me now is not much. Just the faces of the few people who I do care about. I’m afraid that it is a decision that I would regret. I know that losing this would mean losing their friendship. Question now is, how much do I value friendship? Not even I can answer that.

Do I run away? Do I stay and cope as best I can? Or do I change my ways and be useful for once? How do I do that? How can I be cooperative? How do I participate? How do I contribute? When is the right time? When will it be rewarded? What does it take to be noticed? What is my strength?

So many questions. All unanswered. How I wish I know what to do. I wish someone would point me directly and tell me what to do. I know life is about taking chances and risks, but I don’t want that. I don’t like the unknown. And I don’t like to grope blindly. I don’t mind taking bad directions, it is still better than being lost like this.

I have been lost for awhile and now I am starting to feel scared that I won’t find a way out.

Rolling in the deep, indeed.

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