I have the tendency to want to laugh at the most inappropriate times. Be it in meetings, during serious one to one discussions and now the latest one was during funeral ceremony.
I wasn’t being disrespectful but… Being a not-so-religious person, some of the proceedings just didn’t make sense. And listening to my Chinese name bring called out was funny too.
It’s all over now. Super exhausted for these few days. No sleep and waking up before dawn.
Got me thinking a lot for these past few days. A lot of what-if running through my mind.
“What if it was my dad or my mum? What if it was me or one of my sis? What if tomorrow never comes? How would I continue living?” and thoughts like that.
I don’t want to learn or make origamis anymore.
It’s not ridiculous to have these ideas planted in my brain. It was so sudden. It could happen. Right. This. Minute.
That thought is terrifying.
If someone were to die, I wish it will be me. It’s a selfish act but I can’t survive without them. I just can’t.
I should live life like there’s no tomorrow, if I learn anything from this experience. I tried. I can’t seem to open my mouth and tell those that I cared for that they are loved.
I just stood there, watching mum sobbing in strangers’ arms. This will haunt me for years.
I am disappointed in myself. Must I put up this cold front? Why am I so afraid to show my feelings?